My Path to Healing

My healing is nearing its completion and the feeling of anticipating what is to come is never far from me. I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and smile at what I see - a woman with growing confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. The smile rises from deep within me, reaches my face and radiates through my entire being, giving me back the ‘lift’ I had lost. This road to healing has been rough and I can identify two major bumps that left me spinning out of control but there is always this hand helping me get back up and that voice telling me ‘you can do this’. Now, I feel a lot better about myself and I am more comfortable being by myself. Although I can not quite say which direction I am headed, that familiar feeling of being lost and helpless is gone. I am more patient and I don’t have that I-am-running-out-of-time feeling anymore. The peace I am experiencing is so profound it can only come from one source – God. But I did not get here in a sprint; there were phases I had to go through, personal demons I had to confront, mistakes I had to identify and amendments I had to make. None of these phases were easy, in fact most of them were painful, but how I feel right now only testifies to one thing; it was worth every pain I felt and every tear I cried.

Well, the year is rounding up and the anticipation is building. As it happens to me around this time every year I ask myself what I have achieved so far. When the year began, I put down a list of things I want to achieve and here in the night month of the year I can not say that I delivered on any of them. I was trying to use the professional exam I was preparing for as a consolation but it turned out that the company I work for decided they would not be paying for it until later, next year perhaps. So I decided to try and raise the money, but how am I supposed to get 300 pounds within the next two weeks? Realizing that the chances were slim, I decided to talk to God about it and that was when I realized that my motives for wanting to take this exam were questionable. So I pulled a halt and decided to think.

I am still thinking about what to do. Is it about my desire to take and complete this certification or about being able to congratulate myself for achieving ‘something’ this year? And while trying to achieve something is not a bad idea, shouldn’t I be doing something that is in line with my purpose? Hmmn, there we go with the purpose ‘talk’ again, I am not even sure what my purpose is. I mean I use to have an idea but right now am just as confused as a anyone could be. Someone said I should just start from what I dreamed of becoming when I was a child. I wish it was that simple. For instance, when I was a child I use to say I wanted to become a doctor but trust me when I say ‘that is sooo not my purpose’. Then I remember writing poems and little stories when I was in secondary school. But come on, you will agree with me that my writing so far cannot be categorized as ‘professional’. Then I also remembered that I put together a ‘business plan’ when I was seventeen for a retail outlet that sold practically everything. Now as an adult, I get an average of 4 business development ideas every week, and they are almost about everything, from manufacturing, to gardening, to retail, to architecture, to education, to tourism, to movies, to writing, to recycling, to agriculture, to real estate, to hospitality and I am still counting! So, do you now agree with me that I am quite confused?

However, I am not discouraged because I know that in this confusion lies my purpose and I will discover it and run with it very soon. In the mean time, I will just keep writing to you about the steps I have taken and the progress I have made. Hopefully, someone will find some direction and some truths as they also journey to self-discovery.