He Chose this Time For Me!

I kept pushing through the tunnel. It was pitch dark! I couldn’t see anything; just when I thought nothing could be this dark, it gets darker!

Sometimes I run, sometimes I walk, and sometimes I hit a bump that sends me flying. I hit my head, I break a bone, I even was dragging through the mud, but I never stopped moving.

He continued to propel me forward, picking me up when I fall, soothing my pains when I hurt, wiping my tears when I cry and not sparing the rod when I deserve it.

He has a plan, whether I get it or not don’t matter; He will work through me both to will and to do His good pleasure!

Through the tough conditions in the tunnel, the wind blew my cover and with it went pride and self-will. I found solace in the warmth of His will and with it came profound joy and unfathomable peace.

Then that feeling of anticipation began to build. He is taking me somewhere! I am on to something! I can feel it deep within my spirit.

I did not have a picture or a plan - I lost the ones I had with me when I started this journey – but then, I have learnt to follow wherever He leads.

Now, He has shown me a clear picture, a very beautiful one beyond my imagination. He even brightened it with love, friendship, family, and moments filled with laughter.

It’s not because I deserve it - because I don’t. It is because He – by his love and mercy has chosen this time for me!

My Friends' Diagnosis

My friends carried out series of tests and came up with different types of diagnosis. I listen with affectionate amusement as they all came up with possible explanation to why I feel this way most of which treated me to hearty laughter. I have got the best friends ever and at this point in my life, I wonder what I would have done without them. Their diagnoses differ and I will share them with you just so you can picture how amused I must have been listening them.

-          At work, a work friend and colleague said “it’s normal to feel that way sometimes, I will play you some music so you can feel better”. She did play me some good songs and got me some cupcakes and chocolate cookies, I felt better but was far from satisfied.

-          On Facebook Chat, another friend said, “You may still have feelings for him which is totally cool considering how much you guys shared. I could be your ‘shrink’ if you think you need one.” He was joking and of course I was blabbing so he was probably right to have suggested a shrink. Plus the thought of talking to a psycho therapist is gradually becoming a consideration. He suggested that I pick up new activities, hang out more with friends and generally do what makes me happy.

-          On a blackberry chat, one friend said to me, “it is absolutely normal, its just a phase that will fade before you know it. Lets meet to talk about it”. And so we met, and we did talk about it. Our discussion postulated a theory – the weather was cold (it had rained continuously for about 18hours) and probably the feeling of déjà vu (we were still together this time last year) was responsible for me feeling this way. But wait a minute; did we actually just relate this to the weather? The weather!

-          Another friend considered the possibility that this could be a result of my mind seeking some distraction from the resent dissatisfaction I have been experiencing in my job/career. He suggested that I should find a less ‘risky’ distraction until I come up with a solution. He is probably right.

-          On our way back from church, my very good friend gave me a look that sent me squealing with laughter and asked in a very serious and calm voice if I was in ‘that time of the month’. When I answered the affirmative she said, “Sweetie, blame this on your hormones, they are capable of making you feel impossible things. Don’t worry, this will soon run its course”. The laughter made me feel better and after hanging out with her at some ‘suya’ joint, I went home feeling loved and cared for.

I am going crazy, my emotions and imaginations are running wild – again. I have discovered that this usually happens just before I find myself in some serious emotional complications. I don’t know what to call this, yet I can’t ignore it. He has been on my mind for two weeks and counting. Memories of the good times we shared keep flashing through my mind and it is beginning to shift my focus away from the reasons we can’t be together. I began to experience all over again how it felt when I believed that he was the one for me and I wanted to feel the same way again.

I am terrified, this should not be happening. This cannot be happening! Even after a short recap from my journal (the part I did not delete), a loud warning from some of the articles on his website and the cold shoulder I got when I initiated a chat with him two days ago, my mind still won’t let go. I became more aware of the seriousness of this development when pictures of him in some ‘happily-ever-after’ scenarios keep flashing thru my mind when I was out on a date recently.

Well, my only assurance is that this time, I am not doing this on my own. I have completely handed over the reins of my life to the One who knows the best route to my destiny. So I would just surrender to every experience and learn the lessons I am meant to hoping that I will come through with my heart bursting with love and laughter.

My Prayer

In your name I start this journey,
With your nudge, I step forward,
At your word, I begin this quest
By your direction, I take this road.

I have cleaned out my closet,
I have shut every door,
I have released the wheel,
I have nothing in my hands.
   
That I may hear every word,
And feel every nudge,
From every whisper,
Let me know your will.
May I find healing and happiness,
May I meet love and friendship,
May I experience beauty and laughter,
May I encounter purpose and destiny.

 Let your love shine through your eyes,
And your arms hold me tight,
Let your touch soothe my pain,
As you guide me in the way.

Ray of Purpose

Pama, my friend and sister walked into the room we shared and announced excitedly that she was reading a book. Did she say a book? If you know Pama as well as I do, you will understand why reading a book is an interesting development. My curiosity spiked and half expecting to see a novel I asked that she showed me what book it was and then to my surprise she brought out a book titled ‘the secrets of an irresistible woman’ written by Michelle Mckinney Hammond. I took the book, flipped through it and handed it back to her. Now, I love reading books and I am quite familiar with Michelle’s books but reading her thoughts at that point in my life was far from comfortable. I mean I was painfully aware that I had made a lot of mistakes in recent time, but having Michelle spell it out for me; loud and clear was not going to pamper my already wounded ego. So, when out of habit than willingness to acquire knowledge, I asked Pama if I could borrow the book and she replied that she had to finish reading it first, I heaved a sigh of relief. I knew that it would be record breaking if she finished that book in a month! (No offence Pama, winks*).

So Pama traveled and one morning while trying to get dressed for work I found the book lying on a pile of clothes. I eyed it and looked away, I mean it’s just a book and I get to decide if I wanted to read it or not, right? No. I felt it calling out to me, challenging me to discover principles that will guide me as I journey to Destiny. After some days I swallowed my pride, picked it up and began to read. Call it whatever you like but I am absolutely certain that the Divine is at work here.

I am not done with the book just yet but I can tell you that I have picked up principles that will definitely last a lifetime. I have acquired some of the skills I need to negotiate this bend that I am approaching in my life’s journey. I know that I am very close to a discovery and I can feel my bliss blossom like a flower; opening up to the Ray of Purpose. I am more at peace with myself and I no longer feel the burning desire to get validation from those in my sphere of influence. I am eager to take on more responsibilities and my approach to life increasingly objective. In a nutshell, I am falling in love with life, over and over again.

The book inspired me to created a Facebook Group for single ladies like me. I figured a forum to share our views on God’s intention on love, relationships and lasting marriage will go a long way to impact lives. I don’t have top-of-my-head ready answers and discussions that will be shared there, but I know that creating that group is definitely one step I should take. Like I said in preceding write-ups, I am on my way to self discovery and although I do not know where this road leads me, I am sure I am where I should be.

The group is named ‘Queens in Waiting’, and if like me you believe in God, love, life, happiness and marriage then you are welcome to join us. Come with us, there is a place specially carved out for you on this bus.

My Path to Healing

My healing is nearing its completion and the feeling of anticipating what is to come is never far from me. I wake up every morning, look in the mirror and smile at what I see - a woman with growing confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. The smile rises from deep within me, reaches my face and radiates through my entire being, giving me back the ‘lift’ I had lost. This road to healing has been rough and I can identify two major bumps that left me spinning out of control but there is always this hand helping me get back up and that voice telling me ‘you can do this’. Now, I feel a lot better about myself and I am more comfortable being by myself. Although I can not quite say which direction I am headed, that familiar feeling of being lost and helpless is gone. I am more patient and I don’t have that I-am-running-out-of-time feeling anymore. The peace I am experiencing is so profound it can only come from one source – God. But I did not get here in a sprint; there were phases I had to go through, personal demons I had to confront, mistakes I had to identify and amendments I had to make. None of these phases were easy, in fact most of them were painful, but how I feel right now only testifies to one thing; it was worth every pain I felt and every tear I cried.

Well, the year is rounding up and the anticipation is building. As it happens to me around this time every year I ask myself what I have achieved so far. When the year began, I put down a list of things I want to achieve and here in the night month of the year I can not say that I delivered on any of them. I was trying to use the professional exam I was preparing for as a consolation but it turned out that the company I work for decided they would not be paying for it until later, next year perhaps. So I decided to try and raise the money, but how am I supposed to get 300 pounds within the next two weeks? Realizing that the chances were slim, I decided to talk to God about it and that was when I realized that my motives for wanting to take this exam were questionable. So I pulled a halt and decided to think.

I am still thinking about what to do. Is it about my desire to take and complete this certification or about being able to congratulate myself for achieving ‘something’ this year? And while trying to achieve something is not a bad idea, shouldn’t I be doing something that is in line with my purpose? Hmmn, there we go with the purpose ‘talk’ again, I am not even sure what my purpose is. I mean I use to have an idea but right now am just as confused as a anyone could be. Someone said I should just start from what I dreamed of becoming when I was a child. I wish it was that simple. For instance, when I was a child I use to say I wanted to become a doctor but trust me when I say ‘that is sooo not my purpose’. Then I remember writing poems and little stories when I was in secondary school. But come on, you will agree with me that my writing so far cannot be categorized as ‘professional’. Then I also remembered that I put together a ‘business plan’ when I was seventeen for a retail outlet that sold practically everything. Now as an adult, I get an average of 4 business development ideas every week, and they are almost about everything, from manufacturing, to gardening, to retail, to architecture, to education, to tourism, to movies, to writing, to recycling, to agriculture, to real estate, to hospitality and I am still counting! So, do you now agree with me that I am quite confused?

However, I am not discouraged because I know that in this confusion lies my purpose and I will discover it and run with it very soon. In the mean time, I will just keep writing to you about the steps I have taken and the progress I have made. Hopefully, someone will find some direction and some truths as they also journey to self-discovery.

Death

Have you ever wondered what happens to us when we die? Yes, I am aware that there are different theories people have come up with, most of which stems from various religious believes. But for a moment, can you step out of that box religion and society has placed you and imagine what it happens or what it feels like to die? My apologies to religious folks, I mean no offence with my reference to religion as a box. It is an attempt to get you out of what you have always been told as you will agree with me that we live in a world where religion and society drives our believe system. And if you belong to the category of people who find my discussion on the subject somewhat assaulting to the senses, I would say ‘please snap out of it already’.

Death is inevitable. It is all around us whether we fail to acknowledge it or not. It is a common leveler; not respecting persons. It does not have special preference, anyone or anything would do. Old or young, rich or poor, male or female, human or animal, it does not matter. It is the one thing we would all experience whether we like it or not. Death is a vehicle, a transition between here and hereafter. Death is a part of living; it’s just like every other thing that happens to us. We eat, we sleep, we cry, we laugh, we walk, we run, we live and we die. It is that simple.

There are many description of what people say happens when we die. Of course we know that the heart stops beating, but the question is what happens to the mind and soul? What exactly does it feel like? Sometimes, I wonder if it is just like we see in the movies where your life flashes before your eyes, and you step out of your body and walk towards ‘the light’ until you disappear. Sometimes I also wonder if it is like my Sunday school teacher taught me where death is described as falling into deep darkness if you have been ‘bad’ or flying into the skies if you have been ‘good’. Most times I am not satisfied with these descriptions; they lack the depth I think dying entails. Details like what happens to your will, memory and feelings in that moment should be described. Not that I would know, after all I am very much alive.

I propose that how you feel in that final moment when you come face to face with death and you realize that ‘this is it’ is a direct result of the quality of life you have lived. The quality of life you have lived is measured by how well you are able to achieve your purpose or like some will call it, destiny. The truth is that we are all on a quest to find our bliss, to discover our purpose and claim our destiny. It is only those who are able to achieve this that will be fulfilled enough to smile through death. Somewhere deep within our subconscious is the blueprint to discovering who we are meant to be but religious demands and social expectations have inhibited the originality of our individuality so that it becomes increasingly difficult to access who we really are. Life is very short and living someone else life with the little time we have is foolish. Death is the final whistle and not knowing when it will blow only makes it more intriguing. My advice is to live everyday like it is your last chance to be ‘you’.