Telling My Story!

I am blue tonight,
And am reflecting,
On what I hoped life could be,
On what I dreamed life would be.

 I am two decades and a seven,Now I feel like eleven,
Wishing on the stars,
Wanting to blossom

 Then I am lost,
Deep in a pile of opinions,
Of perceptions and obligations,
Yearning for discovery 

 I reached out to life,
Fighting through my fears,
Smiling through my tears,
Looking at tomorrow

 Holding on to courage,
Building my storage,
Running through the tunnel,
Taking hold of destiny

 Taking time to care,
Remembering to share,
Learning how to live,
Loving all I can.

 Searching for myself,
Reaching out to glory,
Staying in my bliss,
Telling my story

                                               Tomianne, June 2011

Starting Afresh

Hi Guys,

It turned out to be a different Sunday afternoon. I decided to use the free time constructively and avoid spending time on things that are not ‘beneficial’. So rather than sleep and watch movies all day, I introduced some more important things like praying and making this entry. Although I still observed my siesta and also did see a movie, I was less than generous with the time I spend doing them.

Going through some of the previous entries from my personal journal, my memory was refreshed on some of my experiences, how far I had come and how far I still need to go. I also thought sharing some of these entries might be what somebody out there needs by way of advice, caution or encouragement. So, in this write-up (and maybe a couple more) I will review an entry from my personal journal and I hope that someone out there will get something valuable from it. Here we go!

I lost my peace and I lost my strength. I was drained and couldn’t struggle anymore. I knew I was on a wrong track and could not find my way back. Everything just went wrong. I couldn’t pray and I felt so alone. So I cried out. That was the only thing I could do. I told God I needed Him to come and save me. I searched for him and sought his face. I told him I could not do this on my own and I desperately needed Him. I told him I wanted to feel His arms around me and to hear Him speak to me again. He responded to me and told me ‘do nothing, just react’. Well, I did listen and did what He asked me to do. I took it one step at a time and held on to patience. Things began to unfold; He began to loosen me from the entanglements. I got cut in the process and I bled a little, but He was always there, tending to my wounds and making sure I had all I needed to heal.  Right now, He is holding my hands and teaching me to walk again. He has shown me all I have been searching for, and step by step he is bringing me closer to it. I am not afraid anymore. All the mountains that were before me now seem so small.  I am happy and can smile again. He has promised to take me to that place where I can say with love in my heart “Forever and always”.   -              Sunday, June 19, 2011

If you can identify with the experience that was described in this excerpt then maybe it is time to stop and think. You may choose not do exactly as I did (you need a relationship with God to do that), but you need to stop pouring water into a leaking container – it is useless. Stop and re-evaluate. Step aside and observe. Conduct a diagnostic process to identify the leakage(s) and decide if the leakages can be patched or if you just need to get another container! Either ways, stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result – that’s just insane. Don’t be too proud to admit that you were wrong; it is never too late to start afresh.

 When you are on the right path, you don’t have to wait till you get to your destination to be fulfilled. Your fulfillment begins as soon as you start the journey – and it builds as you progress. No matter how far you have travelled down a wrong path, the joy, peace and fulfillment that comes with starting afresh is much better than that miserable life you are living right now. The choice is yours.

I hope I made some sense to someone out there, I would love to read your comments too.

Ciao!

Going Public!!!

So, I realized that my blog is no longer a secret as I had planned, my boss is aware of its existence and may have even visited here a couple of times. My first reaction after this discovery was to start censoring my write ups but after turning the idea over in my mind I came to the conclusion that since this is my space, it is within my rights to write whatever I choose to. I have now decided to officially go public and adopt a slightly different style of writing. Don't worry, it is not going to be a major change I will only be switching from a reflective writing style to a more narrative one.

There seem to be a lot of excitement in the air following Obama's win as the President of the US for the second time! His victory has also made me question a lot of things in my life forcing me to look inwards to see how far I have come in my life's journey and how far I still have to go.

At the beginning of this year, I started a journey (which inspired the write up "My Prayer") and although I still have a very long way to go, I have an increasingly clearer picture of my destination. Its been rough road, but that is just a small price to pay for the joy and fulfillment that comes with self discovery and being able to know what part you are meant to play in this world! Also the experience of having God hold me by the hand and lead me on is also very reassuring and exhilarating. Hearing him talk to me is also becoming very addictive for (smiles*). For a control freak like me, letting go and letting God has become very easy because not only has my faith grown, I trust Him with all my heart.

I guess all am trying to say is that the best days of my life has begun and it is going to last a lifetime!

Right now I am asking God for two things
1. A Name
2. The ability of a starter

I will let you know when I start something but in the meantime, you may want to join me in the search for a good memorable company name!

He Chose this Time For Me!

I kept pushing through the tunnel. It was pitch dark! I couldn’t see anything; just when I thought nothing could be this dark, it gets darker!

Sometimes I run, sometimes I walk, and sometimes I hit a bump that sends me flying. I hit my head, I break a bone, I even was dragging through the mud, but I never stopped moving.

He continued to propel me forward, picking me up when I fall, soothing my pains when I hurt, wiping my tears when I cry and not sparing the rod when I deserve it.

He has a plan, whether I get it or not don’t matter; He will work through me both to will and to do His good pleasure!

Through the tough conditions in the tunnel, the wind blew my cover and with it went pride and self-will. I found solace in the warmth of His will and with it came profound joy and unfathomable peace.

Then that feeling of anticipation began to build. He is taking me somewhere! I am on to something! I can feel it deep within my spirit.

I did not have a picture or a plan - I lost the ones I had with me when I started this journey – but then, I have learnt to follow wherever He leads.

Now, He has shown me a clear picture, a very beautiful one beyond my imagination. He even brightened it with love, friendship, family, and moments filled with laughter.

It’s not because I deserve it - because I don’t. It is because He – by his love and mercy has chosen this time for me!

My Friends' Diagnosis

My friends carried out series of tests and came up with different types of diagnosis. I listen with affectionate amusement as they all came up with possible explanation to why I feel this way most of which treated me to hearty laughter. I have got the best friends ever and at this point in my life, I wonder what I would have done without them. Their diagnoses differ and I will share them with you just so you can picture how amused I must have been listening them.

-          At work, a work friend and colleague said “it’s normal to feel that way sometimes, I will play you some music so you can feel better”. She did play me some good songs and got me some cupcakes and chocolate cookies, I felt better but was far from satisfied.

-          On Facebook Chat, another friend said, “You may still have feelings for him which is totally cool considering how much you guys shared. I could be your ‘shrink’ if you think you need one.” He was joking and of course I was blabbing so he was probably right to have suggested a shrink. Plus the thought of talking to a psycho therapist is gradually becoming a consideration. He suggested that I pick up new activities, hang out more with friends and generally do what makes me happy.

-          On a blackberry chat, one friend said to me, “it is absolutely normal, its just a phase that will fade before you know it. Lets meet to talk about it”. And so we met, and we did talk about it. Our discussion postulated a theory – the weather was cold (it had rained continuously for about 18hours) and probably the feeling of déjà vu (we were still together this time last year) was responsible for me feeling this way. But wait a minute; did we actually just relate this to the weather? The weather!

-          Another friend considered the possibility that this could be a result of my mind seeking some distraction from the resent dissatisfaction I have been experiencing in my job/career. He suggested that I should find a less ‘risky’ distraction until I come up with a solution. He is probably right.

-          On our way back from church, my very good friend gave me a look that sent me squealing with laughter and asked in a very serious and calm voice if I was in ‘that time of the month’. When I answered the affirmative she said, “Sweetie, blame this on your hormones, they are capable of making you feel impossible things. Don’t worry, this will soon run its course”. The laughter made me feel better and after hanging out with her at some ‘suya’ joint, I went home feeling loved and cared for.

I am going crazy, my emotions and imaginations are running wild – again. I have discovered that this usually happens just before I find myself in some serious emotional complications. I don’t know what to call this, yet I can’t ignore it. He has been on my mind for two weeks and counting. Memories of the good times we shared keep flashing through my mind and it is beginning to shift my focus away from the reasons we can’t be together. I began to experience all over again how it felt when I believed that he was the one for me and I wanted to feel the same way again.

I am terrified, this should not be happening. This cannot be happening! Even after a short recap from my journal (the part I did not delete), a loud warning from some of the articles on his website and the cold shoulder I got when I initiated a chat with him two days ago, my mind still won’t let go. I became more aware of the seriousness of this development when pictures of him in some ‘happily-ever-after’ scenarios keep flashing thru my mind when I was out on a date recently.

Well, my only assurance is that this time, I am not doing this on my own. I have completely handed over the reins of my life to the One who knows the best route to my destiny. So I would just surrender to every experience and learn the lessons I am meant to hoping that I will come through with my heart bursting with love and laughter.

My Prayer

In your name I start this journey,
With your nudge, I step forward,
At your word, I begin this quest
By your direction, I take this road.

I have cleaned out my closet,
I have shut every door,
I have released the wheel,
I have nothing in my hands.
   
That I may hear every word,
And feel every nudge,
From every whisper,
Let me know your will.
May I find healing and happiness,
May I meet love and friendship,
May I experience beauty and laughter,
May I encounter purpose and destiny.

 Let your love shine through your eyes,
And your arms hold me tight,
Let your touch soothe my pain,
As you guide me in the way.

Ray of Purpose

Pama, my friend and sister walked into the room we shared and announced excitedly that she was reading a book. Did she say a book? If you know Pama as well as I do, you will understand why reading a book is an interesting development. My curiosity spiked and half expecting to see a novel I asked that she showed me what book it was and then to my surprise she brought out a book titled ‘the secrets of an irresistible woman’ written by Michelle Mckinney Hammond. I took the book, flipped through it and handed it back to her. Now, I love reading books and I am quite familiar with Michelle’s books but reading her thoughts at that point in my life was far from comfortable. I mean I was painfully aware that I had made a lot of mistakes in recent time, but having Michelle spell it out for me; loud and clear was not going to pamper my already wounded ego. So, when out of habit than willingness to acquire knowledge, I asked Pama if I could borrow the book and she replied that she had to finish reading it first, I heaved a sigh of relief. I knew that it would be record breaking if she finished that book in a month! (No offence Pama, winks*).

So Pama traveled and one morning while trying to get dressed for work I found the book lying on a pile of clothes. I eyed it and looked away, I mean it’s just a book and I get to decide if I wanted to read it or not, right? No. I felt it calling out to me, challenging me to discover principles that will guide me as I journey to Destiny. After some days I swallowed my pride, picked it up and began to read. Call it whatever you like but I am absolutely certain that the Divine is at work here.

I am not done with the book just yet but I can tell you that I have picked up principles that will definitely last a lifetime. I have acquired some of the skills I need to negotiate this bend that I am approaching in my life’s journey. I know that I am very close to a discovery and I can feel my bliss blossom like a flower; opening up to the Ray of Purpose. I am more at peace with myself and I no longer feel the burning desire to get validation from those in my sphere of influence. I am eager to take on more responsibilities and my approach to life increasingly objective. In a nutshell, I am falling in love with life, over and over again.

The book inspired me to created a Facebook Group for single ladies like me. I figured a forum to share our views on God’s intention on love, relationships and lasting marriage will go a long way to impact lives. I don’t have top-of-my-head ready answers and discussions that will be shared there, but I know that creating that group is definitely one step I should take. Like I said in preceding write-ups, I am on my way to self discovery and although I do not know where this road leads me, I am sure I am where I should be.

The group is named ‘Queens in Waiting’, and if like me you believe in God, love, life, happiness and marriage then you are welcome to join us. Come with us, there is a place specially carved out for you on this bus.